I owe you this much

I've spent zero time blogging in months. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

Honestly, I've spent that same amount of time even thinking about blogging since this summer when I dropped the bomb on you that we're expecting a baby.

You don't even know if we're having a boy or girl...

I owe you an update.

(I owe you more than an update if you even come back to read this update, but I'll do my best.)

Pregnancy is amazing. I've been blessed with a safe, albeit somewhat eventful, first pregnancy. It's everything I should have expected, and still it's served as a reminder that I'm not the typical "first timer"...

When people ask, as they always do, "Is this your first?" it's hard to answer that question. Much like the rest of our life, there are no simple answers, only simple questions.

First baby - yes? First child - no? First-time mom - not really?

I've resorted to "Second child, first pregnancy."

{Insert very confused looks from well-meaning stranger.}

I've had a moderate amount of guilt when it comes to this pregnancy. My over-analytic self thinks this is the real reason I've not blogged during my pregnancy.

I know in my head I shouldn't have any guilt, but I do.

I know I shouldn't fear discussing this blessing will upset those who can't or won't ever be lucky enough to experience this, but I do.

I know I should feel open to journal about anything and everything in this forum, my motherhood forum... but in some ways, I don't.

The last thing I want to do is create an online shrine to my pregnancy with this blog.

I don't want to somehow give off the illusion that being pregnant now has somehow erased the memories of years trying, hoping, praying, wishing, envying, and desiring to have a biological child.

I don't want to show pictures of the little one growing inside and give the false image that this somehow makes me more of a mother than I was before.

This blog has, and will be, first and foremost an adoption blog, because I am first and foremost an adoptive mother. Adoption is what made me a mother, and even now as I prepare to add "biological mother" to the list of adjectives used to describe me, I struggle to see myself any other way than the type of mother I was first...

The type of mother who chose to love a child that did not share DNA in common with my husband or me. The type of mother that invested countless hours, and numerous sleepless nights, trying to unlock a mystery child who she eventually grew to love as much as she could expect to love a biological one.

I see no difference between our first and now second daughter. And, as long as I am their mother, I refuse to see differences.

My first daughter is beautiful, loving, kind, caring, wild, adventurous, sometimes antagonistic, always humorous, occasionally defiant, always tender.

My oldest and firstborn daughter is so much like us in her mannerisms.

My teenager made me a mom.

My soon-to-be second daughter will be greatly blessed if she's anything like her older sister.