FAQs

I get a lot of question by email [which I love getting — hint hint — immediatemom (at) gmail (dot) com].

Here's a few more common questions and answers:

How old were you and your husband when you decided to adopt?
We were both in our early 30s. One of us still is. (The other has progressed into the mid-to-late 30s)

What was your first step in becoming an adoptive parent?
We attended an open house event hosted by our local Department of Children and Families agency. In all honesty, this event made us determined to not do our training and licensing through them. Someone raised their hand and asked "Yeah, how much do you get paid per kid and how many can I have"  — a major indication we were not with the right caliber of recruits to be foster/adoptive parents.

Ultimately we did our MAPP (model approach to parenting practices) state-mandated courses through a local Christian agency and from there we went back to the Department because by then we had seen K's photo and she was technically a child who was under their care.

Why didn't you foster her first?
In the case of our daughter, she was ready to be adopted as her parental rights had long been terminated , and she was presently in a stable foster home. There was (1) no reason to uproot her from a familiar and (relatively) healthy family environment and (2) the screening process to be foster parents versus adoptive parents is quite different and we'd been approved to be adoptive only.

Did you know right away that she was your daughter?
After our first meeting with the social workers, when we were able to review all the records the state had on K, I knew we could love this little girl and be her forever family. That is, if the state chose us. Once it was clear we were selected to be "matched" with her, and we scheduled a time to meet, it was hard to not build up that first meeting, looking for signs that this was right for all three of us.

What advice do you have for people thinking of adopting an older child?
First, search your heart and decide if you are really up for the task. It has to be about the child and not about you. Next, be honest (brutally honest) with yourself, your spouse, the rest of your immediate family, and your team of social workers. Decide what you are willing and capable of handling, and where your gifts and talents really are. If you're not a patient person, an older child adoption is not right for you. But if you're like us and enjoy putting together puzzles and finding the reasons behind behaviors, you're a good fit. Also, know that what you read about a child may not necessarily describe the child accurately. In our case, records were lost and diagnoses were made in haste. Try to see through some of the negative. Lastly, be prepared for anything and commit to finding help — really no parent should raise their children in a vacuum, help is available and it's the key to supporting your transition into adoptive parenting and it's the best way to assure there is not a "distruption".

What has been the key to your success with your daughter?
I feel like we're at a prime spot in our life as a family — we've passed the first year and are actually approaching the two-year mark since K moved in with us. I hesitate to label us a "success" and yet I definitely feel like we've reached milestones that indicate we're doing something right. Since we first got married we made the conscious decision to never say the word "divorce" in our home, knowing that if we don't say it then it's not going to be an option in our minds. The same can be said for how we've approached our parenting. Not once have we thought of K not being our daughter. There is no doubt our story will end like this: she will grow and mature, and be a kind and loving adult who will eventually have her own family. That is success for us. And truly that journey is just beginning. Would I label us as "successful" in this adoptive parenting adventure, sure. But am I ready to declare ultimate success? Not yet — she's got a lot of road to cover and life lessons to learn to become a productive and lovely adult... and when that happens maybe we'll allow ourselves a little credit and see ourselves as successful parents.